Spoof Christmas Letter

The Montgomery Awesome Christmas Letter

This has been a great year for the Montgomery/Wooldridge family. Lots of time watching NASCAR, tinkering on the engine of Earl’s old car (we swear we’ll get it out of the driveway soon! This year for sure!) and spending cash freed up by the (near end) of the counselors’/therapy bills. (Gosh, those quacks charge a bundle.)

Kim and Brad, well, you know how it is after 20 years of marriage. Sometimes it’s up and sometimes it’s down, but hey! At least they are still together, right? They are, however, very enthusiastic members of The Greater Denver Swingers Club. (A big Christmas shout-out to Phil and Britney!) Kim stays busy working on her pole dancing routine for the over-40 Mrs. Shotgun Willies contest in May. For the most part 2014 was the year Brad broke in the new Lazy-Boy. He’s swears that ’14 was the best year ever for TV. But yes, he still works for Metro Porta Let. (He’s no longer manager… You’ll have to ask Brad about it in person…it’s still a tender issue.)

Sarah is on track to graduate from high school in May. Who’d have guessed? Summer school and pass/fail classes rock! As for what’s next, Sarah is planning on being a 10pm—5am stocker at Walmart. Hello sweet employee discount! What else? The tattoo removal process is going well. With makeup, the scarring around her left nostril will be almost imperceptible.

Because John is a minor, for legal reasons we are unable to tell you exactly what his new hobby is. But we can tell you that 1) it’s very profitable, and b) he is an expert at hydroponics!!! On a related note, John is getting an A in biology and is thinking botany for college.

Lisa is having a great year. Her science teacher decided not to press charges — eyebrow hair does grow back. (That guy is a serious dweeb anyway.) Besides, the insurance covered most of the hospital and construction bills. Even so, we are grateful that she’s just 13 so none of that crap goes on her permanent record. They can’t stick anything on our youngest!

Our pet dog Rudy has had a great year too. We’d call his fleas “manageable.” Though he isn’t officially trained or anything, that pooch should get an award for his flexibility in personal grooming (if you know what we mean). Hahahaha!

The family vacation this summer was a fun trip to visit Earl in the “big house;” only 26 months to go! Earl: We’re sorry Sarah forgot to put the file in the sponge cake but we’ll getcha next time —ha ha ha, just kidding (because we know your guards are reading this … Hahaha! Hope they can take a joke!). Anyhoo, on the way home we stopped in at Big Al’s Grande Knife and Gun show, featuring Sherri Lynn and her double-barreled twin 45s. Boy is she limber! We got some great pictures! The kids loved it! And Kim was finally able to get that pink-handled UZI she’s been coveting.

Hopefully you know we are joking. Mostly. In fact it HAS been a great year. Kim and Brad are happy and healthy. Sarah graduates and is headed to Brazil for a year exchange program with Rotary and will defer college for the year. John is rocking his sophomore year, & Lisa is finishing her last year of middle school with class & style. There are easy years and tough years; for our family this has thankfully been mostly an easy and fun year. Hope you all are having a great holiday and best wishes for 2015! 

Happy New Year. We’re glad we are friends.