By Ron Tite, Guest Author

From Brad:   Ron approached me online with this story, and the absolute truth of it cracked me up.  I’ve done so many shows similar to this, and the pain is still fresh.  Want to peak behind the scenes to see and feel how comedians think?  you’ll  love this article.    Enjoy!   — Brad

While we all have our favorite artists or genres, I’ve always felt that true lovers of music simply like good music. Crappy, lowest common denominator country is not something I have Faith Hill in, but good country – Johnny Cash, Willie

Nelson, and on occasion, Merle Haggard – is certainly worth stepping off thetractor to listen to. Most Glam Rock, on the other hand, is more glam than rock but on the right day, at the right time, I will channel my inner-Oshawa, throw my head back, close my eyes, and sing along with Jersey Jon as he proudly proclaims, “I’m a cowboy, on a steel horse I ride. I’m wanted (wanted!) dead or alive.”

I can do that because music can be neatly placed into categories. Those

categories and the artists who define them can be accessed at the appropriate

time or when I’m in the appropriate mood. A road trip on an open highway with

friends? That usually features Nirvana, not Norah Jones. Chilling out with a glass

of wine in a sea of candles? Well, that’s more of a Bach moment than a Beck

moment. That’s the best part of music. We can like songs, bands or singers but

we don’t have to like them all the time.

Sadly, comedy is not like that. But it should be.

To the average Joe, if you’re a comedian, you’re not a heavy metal comedian or

a country comedian or a jazz comedian, you’re simply a comedian. People

expect you to be funny at all times, at all events, on all occasions, regardless of

your strengths, niche, style, or format.

For some events, it’s more appropriate to hire musical comedians, for example,

than stand-ups. Other times, improvisers aren’t appropriate because the event

actually should feature a stand-up.

Even if a stand-up is the right choice, there are countless kinds of stand-ups just

like there are countless styles of music. Choosing the wrong type of stand up is

like selecting a Marilyn Manson tune for a wedding procession (although I’m sure

there are Goth brides out there who would like nothing more than to walk down

the aisle to “This is the Shit”).

Maybe it was growing up with Bill Cosby albums and impersonating the booming

voice of The Lord as he spoke to Noah. Perhaps it was some constant personal

need for attention that complemented the fact that I was the youngest and most

spoiled child in my family. It could have even been a deeper psychological thing

that can only be explained by Dr. Phil. Whatever it was, I chose part of my career

to be in comedy. I’m a comedian and I have spent some of the past 11 years in

clubs, on campuses, and in front of corporate audiences simply making people

laugh.

It certainly wasn’t something high school guidance counselors suggested I

pursue but I absolutely love stand-up. When it goes well, it’s like crack – it’s

highly addictive, incredibly enjoyable, and you’ll do anything to get your next hit.

When it doesn’t go well, it’s like… ahem… crack - that deep dark underbelly part

of crack where you lose sleep, lose weight, look like shit, and wonder how you

could be so stupid to get involved in something so soul-destroying to begin with.

Luckily, the good nights have far outweighed the bad ones.

I love writing exploring thoughts and simply finding the funny. I love that I can go

up on stage with a plan in hand and then completely abandon it because, hey, I

felt like it. Maybe deep down I even superficially enjoy it because it’s a more

interesting response to dreadful cocktail conversation starters like “Soooo, what

do you do?” Most of all, though, I think I most like the just-in-time feedback.

You want ROI? Choose comedy. Spend 2 minutes on stage and you immediately

know what your return on investment is. Simply put, either they’re laughing or

they’re not. There’s no need for an HR-mandated, 360-degree-feedback,

quarterly review with your boss answering lame questions like “…and where do

you see yourself in 5 years?” (People should just use comedian Mitch Hedberg’s

response to this question: “Celebrating the 5th Anniversary of you asking me that

question”). You don’t need to track Q3 sales data or year over year earnings per

share or pre / post brand awareness figures to know whether you’re doing your

job or not. If the crowd is responding to your performance with laughter and

applause, consider your contract extended. If they’re not, well, you might want to

think of the end of your set as a temporary pink slip. And don’t let the mic stand

hit you in the ass on the way out.

There are no politics to navigate. No mutli-tasking to distract you. No offsite team

building exercises where you’re asked to catch a 400-pound office admin in a

trust fall. And you’ll never hear a comedian say, “Well, I left the audience a voice

mail but they haven’t got back to me yet.” It’s you, the audience and your

microphone. That’s it.

All that being said, over the years I’ve learned that there are thousands of

variables that can lead to a successful gig and thousands more that can lead an

unsuccessful one. Choosing the right type of comedian is just the most basic.

Countless other details can be the difference between a standing ovation and an

experience that can only be described as the longest 30 minutes of your life

where you question your sanity, your talent, and why God selected you as the

one to go down in a ball of flames in front of 100 strangers at a charity golf

tournament.

Like financial institutions, experienced comedians attempt to identify the

variables and manage their risk. When I get briefed for a gig, I always ask myself

“Given what I know, will I kill or will I die?” Only in comedy is it better to kill, than

to die. If there’s a greater chance that I will die, I tend to say no. While the show

must go on, I’d rather not have my self-confidence shattered to be a part of it.

Sure, Neitzche said, “That which does not kill me makes me stronger” but clearly,

he was never asked to MC a corporate event where half the company had just

been downsized. Besides, he clearly didn’t know the comedic difference between

dieing and killing.

Admittedly, some calls are easy to say no to. I once got a call that literally went

like this:

“Hi, Mr. Tite. I’m looking for a comedian and someone gave me your name. The

event is next week and I will need you to roam around interacting as a court

jester for about 3 hours. You don’t happen to have your own court jester

costume, do you?”

Are you kidding me? A court jester? And he expected me to have my own court

jester costume? I wouldn’t improvise as a court jester for 3 hours if I literally was

the last comic standing.

Well, that’s what I wanted to say. What I chose to say was,

“It sounds really fun but I’m not really a character comedian and my adult-onset

asthma limits my ability to roam for extended periods of time. Perhaps I can give

you some names…”

There are comedians I know who would not only be brilliant roaming as a court

jester, but they would actually love doing it, too. Thankfully, I’m not one of them.

Because of calls like this, I have developed three simple rules to ensure that I

don’t even entertain the idea of doing a gig that may end up as my worst gig

ever.

Rule #1: No Golf Tournaments.

They always seem harmless enough, but trust me golf gigs are not for me. First

of all, I hate golf. I don’t play it. I don’t watch it. And aside from knowing what

Tiger Woods looks like from American Express commercials, I don’t know a hell

of a lot about it. Because of this lack of familiarity with the sport, any humourous

links (pardon the pun) will lack credibility and I’ll be seen as an outsider.

Strike one (or whatever the appropriate golf term is).

Secondly, let’s survey how the day generally unfolds. The crowd is usually 100 or

so over weight middle management men who told their boss they were doing

“charity work” simply to spend a workday on the golf course. It’s not that they

don’t care about the charity; it’s just not something they choose to support

outside of the particular event. They spend from 8 until 4 playing, drinking,

dehydrating, and sun burning. They bug each other. They challenge each other.

And along the way, they make countless jokes that somehow manage to

manipulate the term “Best Ball” into “Best Balls”. By the time they reach the

clubhouse for their free steak dinner, the testosterone in the air is so thick it

would make Chuck Norris gag.

Somewhere after the steak but before the coffee, a comedian is supposed to

take the stage - which is never a stage at all - to entertain them and to hand out

door prizes that include a sleeve of golf balls and a box of golf shirts that have

been printed with the lead sponsor’s logo on the side. After the golfers been fed,

they simply want to leave so the only way to get their attention is to stoop to their

level of “mine is bigger than yours” by commenting on their appearance and

making fun of what happened on the 4th ladies tee, even though you weren’t

there.

As if these event circumstances weren’t enough, you can’t even accept an

assignment like this out of respect for the almighty cash-grab. Being charity

events, they never have money to pay you. Call me cold, call me insensitive, call

me selfish, but I’d rather donate my time to an event where people actually

appreciate the value I bring.

Can some comedians do it? Yes. There are a number of talented comics who

make a killing doing the golf tournament circuit. They love the sport, they

appreciate the complementary green fees, and even if they don’t support the

camaraderie that develops over 18 holes, like true professionals, they certainly

pretend like they do. As far as I’m concerned though, when it comes to golf, I’d

rather not even tee off. I’ll only end up in the sand thingy without the club that you

use in the sand thingy.

Rule #2: No Christmas Parties.

“Hey, I know what would be a hoot,” some admin assistant tasked with

organizing the company holiday party will say. “Let’s get a comedian!” Yea.

That’s a splendid idea. While you’re at it, why don’t you bring in a motivational

speaker to deliver the metaphor of Santa and his elves as a high performing,

self-directed work team? They’ll love it. Add in updated, spiritually generic

Christmas carols to illustrate change management and you’ve got yourself the

best holiday kick-off since the CEO was convinced to play Ebenezer Scrooge

while giving out the year-end bonuses way back in ’82. Bah humbug.

Still, I guess I can see why the notion of a comedian is appealing for holiday

parties. The mere thought of spending a festive evening with the people you’re

forced to share a cubicle with all year clearly calls for desperate measures. Hate

the way Frank from Finance whistles when he walks past your desk? Now picture

him wearing his church suit and a blinking Rudolph tie with mistletoe taped to his

forehead. Yup, I’d be reaching out for a little help too. Besides, you have to fill the

time with something. If there aren’t scheduled activities for people to participate

in, they might just resort to actually getting to know each other and that can be

very dangerous to morale. So scheduled activities it is.

When the self-nominated organizing committee convenes to give you some

background, you realize that they don’t know the first thing about organizing a

social function at all. They start by proudly going through their plans as if they’ve

been working on the Oscars. If I compiled all of the briefings and plans I’ve heard

into one master party template for control purposes, it would kinda look like this:

1. The function will take place in the ‘Rico Suave’ banquet room at the

Comfort Inn near the airport.

2. Everyone is encouraged to show their spirit by wearing red, green or

whatever the official colours of Kwanza are.

3. The night will start off with a complementary cocktail party (2 drink ticket

maximum) in the hallway outside of the banquet room so the elaborate

balloon decorations can be kept a secret until the very last minute.

4. People will be brought in, seated, and treated to a chicken dinner with

frozen carrots, canned mash potatoes and gravy bought at Ikea.

5. Wine will be served and it will taste like something you strip antiques with.

The VP made the wine himself and even added customized labels with the

company’s logo and the line “Happy Holidays. ‘Yule’ tide things over with

even more sales in the New Year!”

6. As dessert is served, you will go on. You will do a 30-minute show that will

be interrupted with the crashing of plates being cleared and random bursts

of “I’ll have decaf. Do you have decaf? No, I want decaf.”

7. After you’re done, the DJ (receptionist’s nephew) will plug in his Ipod and

people will dance until midnight. At that point, they will be kicked out

because going past midnight costs an extra 200 bucks.

Although you’ve been hired as a professional, the organizers will attempt to do

your job by presenting suggested material. “Oh!, you can use this!”, they’ll say.

They’ll reminisce about the time that someone played a trick on Helen. They’ll

bring up the time that Bruce sent a fax to the wrong client. They’ll bring up every

nickname and each drunken sales excursion that inspired it. Regardless of the

content or individuals involved, these stories will always be punctuated with the

phrase, “oh, and we laughed…!”

Here’s a tip. If anyone ever says, “oh, and we laughed…”, they won’t. When it

comes time for the show, you’ll get the details wrong, mispronounce the name, or

not realize that the hilarious event provided actually ended someone’s career

with a hushed sexual harassment suit. The crowd will either give you absolute

silence or rabid mumblings of, “Who’s this asshole?”

Even if your material is gold, you still won’t win. These people don’t want to be

fed. They don’t want to be given silly awards. And they certainly don’t want to be

entertained. What they want to do is get drunk and muster up the courage to flirt

with the hot new girl in marketing. The only thing standing between a bad dinner

and a night of blue balls is you. At the lowest point of your career, you’ll realize

that you’re not a comedian; you’re a cock block. And I don’t wish that holiday

wish on anyone.

Rule #3: No costumes

Let’s see, you want me to dress up like a Taco? I don’t think so.

Following these rules is pretty important but it’s not exclusive to comedy.

Remember the time you had an office affair that ended badly and you swore that

you’d “never-ever-for-as-long-as-you-live” have a relationship with someone you

work with again? You probably realize that some workplace affairs could be fun

but given the horrible memories of the last one, you’d rather not entertain the

idea. So you make a rule and promise not to break it. You’re not driven by

wisdom. You’re driven by fear.

As am I. I have had some horrible gigs and like you I’d rather not put myself

through the stress of another one. So I always follow my rules.

Why? Simple: when a horrible gig happens, a number of horrific psychological

and physiological events occur.

1. The warning. Whether it’s the mood of the room, the bad lighting on the

stage, the level of inebriation in the audience or something else that you

can’t quite put your finger on, you know the second you walk into the room

that death is imminent. Through a series of messages shot across your

synapses, your body calmly says, “Prepare to die.” (I don’t know about

other people but the voice I always hear is Patrick Stewart’s). You start to

sweat, you become fidgety, and like a guy on a blind date who realizes

he’s not going to get any, you begin to frantically rack your brain for ways

to save it.

2. Plan B. You’re brilliant. You’re funny. You’ve saved other gigs so why not

this one? You come up with Plan B, which is always resorting to old bits

that are tested and true. In the business, they’re called your “gold

material”. All you try to do is make them relevant to this particular gig with

weak segues and out-of-left-field introductions. ”Can you believe it’s June

already?” you say before launching into your bit on Tim Hortons. “There’s

a June that works at my neighbourhood Tim Hortons. They make Tim Bits.

Don’t they know that Tim Horton was killed in a car crash? Do we really

need to name them Tim Bits? Little bits if Tim? That’s gross.”

3. The clamoring. You’re on stage executing Pan B and it’s not working. In

the places where past audiences have responded with laughter, this one

doesn’t respond at all. You hear absolute silence, a subtle cough from the

back of the room or the sound of a chair being subtly scraped across the

floor. Your mind clamors to simultaneously analyse why your gold isn’t

good enough and what else you can use to get the room back, while you

attempt to roll on so the crowd doesn’t see you sweat. They do.

4. The Cancer Face. On the hit show Party of Five, one characters, Charlie,

is ill and he tells his family to not show their cancer face – the look they

give him that clearly shows they feel sorry for him. That’s the look

comedians get from an audience mid-horrible gig. The crowd doesn’t want

to see you fail but they know you’re right in the middle of doing so. They’re

witnessing a wreck happen in real time and for the first time in their life,

they’d rather not rubber neck to see it go down. To protect themselves,

they simply avoid eye contact. They stare at the floor. They stare at the

wall. They look at their watches thinking, “ I know this dude is going to flat

line.” You see the Cancer Face. You resign.

5. Resignation. It’s gone. It’s not coming back. While your mouth chatters

on without you, your brain is only thinking one thing: How soon can I leave

this stage and will I have any dignity left when I do?

6. Inner weeping. Ever hear of the Imposter Syndrome? It’s when you

dismiss your past accomplishments and credit them to simply fooling

people. When inner weeping begins, you realize that you’ve been caught.

You’re not a comedian. Who are you trying to fool? You’re simply one of

those god-awful people who tend to be funny at kitchen parties

My worst gig ever was not a golf tournament and it wasn’t a Christmas party.

Along the way, there were even gigs that I thought were going to be my worst gig

ever but actually turned out ok.

I was once called on to host a show that the Second City produced for the

Ontario Mood Disorder Association. That’s right, mood disorders. Now when

you’re performing for people with mood disorders, the show can either go very

well…. or NOT very well. It all depends on what mood the crowd is in. The

attendees for this event didn’t make me nervous though. It was the actual name

of the show.

“Laughing like Crazy”.

As the host, I was expected to open the night by announcing to a crowd of

people sensitive to mental illness, “Hello, everyone. Welcome to Laughing Like

Crazy!”

That’s like offering to buy a round of drinks at an AA show. Or doing visual gags

for the CNIB. It wouldn’t work.

But it did.

They were a lovely audience, the show was a hit, and even though I thought it

was going to be my worst gig ever, it wasn’t.

Then there was the time that I organized the talent for a Child Find Ontario show.

This noble audience dedicated themselves to an organization that attempts to

find missing kids. When we gathered in the green room before the show, a

comedy duo I brought in proudly told me they would be performing a song called,

‘There are Too Many Children in the World.”

Yikes. It wouldn’t work. This would surely be my worst gig ever.

But it wasn’t. The show and most importantly, the song were a huge hit. Being

the talented performers they are, my friends sold the hell out of the song and

even had the crowd singing along during the chorus. They loved it.

No, my worst gig ever was not at Christmas, it was not at a golf tournament, and

it was not before a sensitive not-for-profit audience. It was funny enough, on April

Fool’s Day. It was the first of April and I was the fool.

It all started when I got a call from a friend and very talented comedic colleague,

James Cunningham. We often trade gigs when conflicts arise and for James, this

was one of those times.

It was a finance gig. 30 minute set. A fee that was below my average rate. I

wasn’t booked on the date and $some is better than $zero. So I said yes.

About a week before the gig, I discovered that it wasn’t a finance gig at all. It was

a 60th Birthday party for a guy that worked in Finance. Great. I had never even

thought of adding birthday parties to my Do Not Accept Rules because quite

frankly, who would ever want to hire a professional to insincerely roast someone

that they didn’t know on the day that celebrated the guest of honour’s birth? As it

turns out, some people did.

I was sent the distributed invite and I realized that not only was it a 60th birthday

party but it was a 60th birthday party taking place at an Italian restaurant. Lovely.

That probably meant that there would be no stage or mic and punch lines would

most likely be interrupted by wait staff or other restaurant patrons looking for the

bathrooms. So, like any responsible comedian, I didn’t write specific material

about the guy because a) I didn’t really know him and b) the set would probably

go much better if I just spritzed. (Spritzing is when a comedian simply talks to the

audience and makes stuff up based on the conversations. It’s kinda “just in time”

comedy.) I thought it would be safer to simply engage in hilarious banter all

based on the question, “And how do YOU know John?”

I arrived at the location and immediately had a heart attack. What I thought was

going to be an Italian eatery was actually a wedding banquet hall filled with 300

people, a live band, highland dancers, and a stage. I couldn’t have spritzed with

a crowd that size. In my head at the back of the room, I quickly began to adapt

pre-performed material that would be appropriate and not glaringly repurposed.

No problem. I certainly had done that before.

Looking out at the crowd, I then realized something I had contemplated but

admittedly, not given enough thought to. It was a minor point in my conversation

with the wife that I thought I could overcome but given the roadblock that had

been placed before me and given the visual of the audience before me, I knew it

was going to be almost impossible.

To get the best laughs, a comedian must know their audience and then look for

things that everyone has in common so your material is relevant to as many

people as possible. That’s why club comedians often use jokes on relationships –

it’s one thing that all of us, regardless of socioeconomic or geographic

background, have in common.

On this night, my audience was comprised of thirds.

It was 1/3 family who ranged in age from 2 months to 92 years old.

It was 1/3 powerful C-level finance executives from Bay Street who wore

expensive suits and big gold watches.

And it was 1/3 actual working farmers from a town north of Toronto where the

guest of honour had been raised and still had property.

I had done rural audiences. I routinely performed for corporations. And I had

often done clubs with a range of ages. But never had I done them at the same

time. The clash of cultures was very apparent. Hugo Boss clashed with GWG.

Silk with polyester. Post-secondary education with the school of hard knocks.

Trying to find something they had in common was going to be like trying to DJ for

a Beverly Hillbillies reunion cast party.

As I was scrambling to make a link between my material on Tim Horton’s and this

guy’s life, I was given the schedule of events around my slot. Both sons would

speak with the second one ending his comments by introducing me. I was to do

30 minutes and then the band would take the stage. Seemed harmless enough.

The first son brought his 2 month old son on stage with him and proceeded to

say some very touching words about how he hoped he could be as good a father

to his son as his birthday-celebrating dad had been to him. The second son took

the stage as the crowd was still wiping tears from their eyes from touching,

sensitive son #1.

Well, that ended quickly.

Son #2 started his speech with the line, “Well, I’m not the son. I’m the step-son.”

Great. Way to kill a room, man. As the gathered guests and I soon discovered,

this was actually the most touching part of his speech. He continued, “Some of

you know that I had a difficult year…”

After this comment, I literally heard anuses puckering as the assembled friends,

family, and colleagues mumbled, “Oh, he’s not going to…”

Yes, he was. He continued with a speech that went something like this:

“As some of you know, my wife – sorry – ex-wife kicked me out of the house last

year. When I went to my dad, he asked why she kicked me out and I had to tell

him the truth. See, my ex-wife thinks I’m gay.”

Was I witnessing a public outing right here before my very eyes? Was he going

to break down in tears like a blubbering Elton John?

“Now, you’re probably wondering why she thinks I’m gay. Well, it’s because I

have a lot of gay friends and my best friend who is gay truly thinks I’m gay so he

got me a book called Coming Out to Your Wife. She found it.”

Delivered by any comedic professional, this whole speech could have

conceivably been seen as the best set-up to a fantastic punch line. One of those

times where the audience is fixed on every word waiting for the fabulous pay off.

Sadly, and we all knew it, this was not one of those times.

“My dad told me that I should move on but I couldn’t because she took my house,

she took my RRSPs,” he continued.

It was actually getting worse. I hoped none of the Mood Disorder people were in

attendance. Man, this depressing address would have surely sent them over the

edge.

“My dad told me that I should see it as an opportunity to get a fresh start in life

but I couldn’t because I still owe $500,000…”

From my viewpoint, I could only see the back of his dad’s head but I imagined

that he was either fuming mad or mortally embarrassed.

“Dad told me that I could finally take the time to focus on my business but I

couldn’t because the business was essentially bankrupt.”

On the scale of Dr. Peck’s stress indicators, this guy had hit all the buttons. All he

needed to score the perfect 10 was a death in the family and a change of

address.

As he built negative momentum, he was hurtling toward his brilliant finish.

“So here I am. A 38 year old male forced to live with his mother who, when she

asked if I was speaking tonight, told me that I shouldn’t get my hair cut because it

showed off my bald spot and made my face look fat. So Dad, for always looking

on the bright side even when there wasn’t one, Happy Birthday.”

And then came the capping moment. The denouement to his birthday wishes.

The last line of his depressing diatribe that would leave me wondering why I had

chosen this career over so many others. The line that would haunt me for

months. The line that would enter my nightmares and wake me in the middle of

the night with a sweaty brow and clammy skin. The line that seemed to be the

only line that could have been delivered to make this disastrous night complete.

“And now, we have a comedian for you.”

As I approached the stage from the back of the room, I walked past the crowd of

people who looked as if they had just witnessed a live execution. The only

sounds coming from them were the whistles of air entering and leaving their

gaping mouths. Their hands were clenching the sides of the high-back dinner

chairs and their feet rested uncomfortably because their knees were bent at

perfect 90-degree angles.

As I took the stage, I saw two things. A podium with a microphone and a mic on a

stand for the band. I hate the immobility that podiums offer so I reached for the

band mic when “Waaait!!!” came from the back. The lead singer of this birthday

band sprinted to the stage to inform me that THAT mic had been EQed for her

voice and that I shouldn’t use it. While she fished for another one, I was left

standing in front of 300 still shell-shocked people. Alone.

When I finally was given a working tool of my trade, I began the only way I

thought I could. A personal principle is to never ignore the reality. Address what

everyone is thinking and get it out of the way. So I did.

“Hey, let’s have a big hand for Brad and that uplifting tale of bankruptcy and

divorce. Brad, I wonder who else we can out tonight?”

I was pissed. I was pissed for accepting the gig. I was pissed that I hadn’t done

the proper amount of research on the venue. I was pissed that someone would

hire a comedian for a birthday party. But mostly, I was pissed at Brad for airing

his dirty laundry at his father’s celebration in front of family, friends, and his dad’s

colleagues.

I did what we comics occasionally have to do. I put my head down and tried to

just get through it.

Did they laugh? Some did for some jokes and others for other jokes but for the

most part, it was a battle that was not to be won.

After 22 minutes of agony, my departure was quick and graceful. In one fluid

motion, I left the stage, got in my car and drove away knowing that the band I left

behind would face the same challenge that I had. Knowing that was music to my

ears.

==

This article is by guest author Ron Tite.   Thanks Ron.   I feel your pain, brother!   Looking for a comedian?  Book Ron… or look me!   Go to the contact page now!

Here’s my policy about my motivational speaking: if you don’t like what I do for your organization, I’ll give you your money back. Simple, huh? I’ve been professionaly speaking for over 20 years. Yes, I have had wild programs. Yes, I’ve had some hilarious and weird stuff happen on the platform. But I’ve NEVER had a client ask for their money back. Never. But if they would have asked, I’d have given it back no problem. So if that is my informal agreement with myself, why not make it formal?

So here it is again: If you are not satisfied with what I offer, I’ll give you your money back.

To be honest, knowing that I could re-coup a lousy speaker’s fee would be the least of my worries. (Let’s face it, if you’re planning even a small meeting you have some huge investments OTHER than the speaker to make.)  If I were you, I’d be more worried about whether my speaker can deliver. I’m just saying that I’ll do both.    

All I ask from you is that you set me up to succeed. If you follow my advice about timing, production (audio-visual stuff and the like) and if you promote me fairly and accurately to your group, I’ll do a great job. Guaranteed. If you don’t agree, you won’t pay.

A guaranteed professional speaker? Yup. You bet.

The ONLY times where I haven’t done well is where no speaker would have done well. For example,when the audience is not prepared, they are mislead about what to expect, they are exhausted, they cannot hear or see properly, they are drunk, etc.

I’m still proud of what I’ve accomplished in these less-than-perfect situations, but the overall audience reaction is was never as good as it should have been had the setting been different. But it wasn’t my fault…. it was just a lousy set-up that could have been prevented. In other words, don’t bill me as a Management Expert, (I’m not), don’t put me right after the golf awards and the service awards at 10 PM after a four-hour open bar, don’t put me outside on the beach, don’t fail to get adequate sound equipment, or layoff 20% of your organization moments before I go on. (Yes, they have all happened.)

In return, I’ll provide a relevant, entertaining and motivating program for your group. Guaranteed. I’ll be honest with you about what I can and cannot do. If I cannot meet your needs I promise to tell you. And if I feel that there are “red flags” that hint to me that the outcome might be diminished, I’ll let you know.

In exchange, I’ll…
• Expect that you set me up for success. (I’ll help you know how, and it is surprisingly simple.)
• Do a great job. Guaranteed. Looking for a guaranteed speaker for your meeting or convention?

Contact me here and let’s get the conversation started.

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They’ll click.  Excitement builds.  Attendance goes up.  Curiosity is satisfied.  Everybody is happy.  

What is it?

Brad has found that a unguarded, relaxed video is WAY more successful than a super-polished video. The welcome video is a cross between a voice message and a YouTube-style webcam video. In other words, it isn’t formal. Brad won’t rehearse it. There might be “ums” and “ers” in it. In this video Brad won’t come off like a spokes-model. (For several reasons, not even counting the “no hair” one.)

Social networkers have proven that off-the-cuff is better. The studies are exceptionally clear: perfect gets less results. The goal is to invite your audience in a very personal, very “real” way. We are not going for an Oscar. Our goal is to make a personal connection to the individuals in your organization. And these videos have been very successful in doing just that.

It’s Simple

All you have to do to make it happen is to let us know you want us to create a video, and answer these questions:

1. Who is Brad inviting? Be specific. eg: “All Wellpoint employees.” “Supporters of the Alzheimer’s Association.” “Members of the ABC Association.”
2. What is the casual way to reference where we’ll be holding the event? Be specific. Eg: “At the Lincoln Center. ” “In San Diego.” “At the South East Marriott.”
3. What elsewould you like Brad to tell them? (If Brad left off this info, you’d be crushed. Here’s your chance to let him know BEFORE he films the video.) Brad will take care of the rest.  He’ll introduce himself, tell them a tiny bit about what to expect, and them a tiny taste of what he is all about.  

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We’ve had clients request ‘do-overs’ on these videos. If you’d like Brad re-create the video for you with a different script, if you want to amend the info beyond the questions above, or if you don’t like Brad’s shirt choice, (yes, it’s happened) you have a choice.

1. You can have Brad film the program written by professional writers and filmed by a professional film crew. Fees for this option start at $1,600.
2. You can have Brad redo the video with the same look and feel as the original, but with whatever changes you left off. The fee for that option is $600.
3. You can live with it. Our guess is that you might be hung up on the fact that this is a simple, free and easy video. Brad is a simple, casual guy, and his audiences love him. (Brad is not a news anchor. Or an actor. He is a very likable normal guy who is great with audiences and will be great for your meeting.) And a simple, casual welcome video will serve you and your organization well.

—
The added fee for a customized welcome video for your organization: $600. (Most clients have us add this to Brad’s fee for his speaking services.

Questions? Give us a call at 303-691-0726 or you can contact us here.
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Here’s an example of a welcome video:

Emily:   you’re  a rock star!  Keep it up girl and let me know if I may be of further service.

Here’s her email

Dear Brad,

I am writing to you both, as you requested, to let you know about the outcome of my senior project about motivational speaking.  I wrote and presented a speech about technology to a retired men’s group, which went really well.  I wrote a paper about my research, and I mentioned both of you.  An attachment of the paper is included in this email.

The most nerve-wracking part of this entire experience was presenting my topic to my panel of judges.  I had to speak to them about more than the material included in my research paper, because they read my paper prior to my presentation.  After a recap of what I learned in my research for my paper, I talked to them about why motivational speaking is effective.  An audience may or may not leave a presentation feeling inspired, but most leave feeling happier.  That’s the key.  Happiness has medical and health benefits, but it improves a person’s general daily outlook.  

That is how this project has affected me.  Learning about making people feel better about themselves has made me feel better about who I am.  I find that I am more confident, friendly, and optimistic now, knowing that I decide to make each day a great day.  I think that next year when I attend college, I will be studying peace and conflict resolution. Even though motivational speaking may not be a future career for me, I think that on a smaller scale, I will be able to inspire and encourage those around me, knowing how little it takes to brighten someone’s day.

Thank you both so much for being so willing to help me this semester with my project.  I ended with a perfect score, but, more importantly, a better outlook.  I learned so much these last few months, largely in part from both of you.  I found that reading about my topic in books was okay, but learning about it from a personal standpoint was so much more rewarding.  

Thanks again for everything!,

Emily

Effective Motivational Speech Preparation
By Emily Livingston 

What People Think of Motivational Speakers

Most people have a stereotypical idea of motivational speakers.  Automatically, people think of individuals on early morning television programs.  Whether they speak on religion, finances, or healthy living, they are perceived as people who are obnoxiously quirky and reference little factual based information.  General attitudes towards motivational speaking are those of doubt; doubt that the audience leaves feeling empowered; doubt that the speaker is credible.  So many people think that motivational speech writing is easy.  Effective motivational speeches begin with a focus on the author, audience, and purpose before the presentation. 

Great speech writers from centuries passed knew that this was the secret to conveying a message.  On March 4, 1801, in his Inaugural address, Thomas Jefferson said:

…though the will of the majority is in all cases to prevail, that will to be rightful will be reasonable; that the minority possess their equal rights, which equal law must protect, and to violate would be oppression.  Let us, then, fellow-citizens, unite with one heart and one mind.  Let us restore to social intercourse that harmony and affection without which liberty and even life itself are but dreary things (Montefiore 41).

This speech is one of the most well-known pieces in American history.  Thomas Jefferson used his own knowledge to relate to an audience about an important topic.  To feel passionate about a subject and to be able to make an audience feel that passion, too, is no easy task.  Over the last few months, the pleasure and challenge of writing a motivational speech has been the objective of the researcher.  Before diving in, learning about the foundational information necessary to write a well-developed speech was key.  

First, time must be spent examining the author.  To start, one professional suggests a brainstorm of the author’s knowledge is best (Duckworth 1).  What do they know of their own life?  What do they know of others’ lives?  What do they know that could serve as a strong topic for a speech?  What experiences have they had personally?  As one source read, “‘What shall I talk about?’ all of us have wide knowledge on lots of topics.  You can talk about anything from a hobby to a book, a foreign country to an experience at home.  Just use what you know” (Howard 13-15).  Of course, picking a topic with a particular audience in mind is important.  However, as the author, one must determine the benefits of speaking on certain topics.  Authors need to consider what their objective in giving a speech will be. 

The researcher, for example, had to examine his/her beneficial qualities, which could be utilized in a speech, as an author.  For the speech to be presented in the middle of November, the researcher knew that, being only 18 years old, life experiences were somewhat limited.  However, the author also knew that personal anecdotes and stories were always best when talking to groups.  Family, friends, high school, and life as an American teenager were probably the strongest topics the researcher could choose to speak about.  Maybe by talking on being a teenager from a teen’s point of view, the author would be able to give a speech illustrating how advances in technology have impacted daily teen life.

Next, the speech writer needs to consider the audience.  It is important to look at what a given audience knows and does not know.  Also, one must consider what the audience will want to take away from a speech (Cook 13).  It is wise to contemplate the types of experiences the audience has had.  What will a given group respond well to?  A group of kindergarten children would want to hear about different topics than a group of their parents.  The way that middle-class people view taxes would be different from the way that millionaires perceive them.  Authors need to be aware of their audience’s general attitudes towards certain areas of interest.  A nuclear physicist, for example, may know about kinetic energy, but an author speaking on wedding planning tips would need to be aware that the scientist would need to know the basics before anything else.  One source stresses that making sure not to grossly over or underestimate an audience is important (Duckworth 3).  Groups should be learning new information, but should not be treated as if they have no common sense.   

The basics would need to be addressed for the audience when talking about technology.  Once the researcher decided to speak on teenagers and modern devices, the audience came to mind.  The group hearing the presentation would be a retired men’s group.  These men would probably know little about modern technology and may even be afraid to use some of today’s newest appliances.  Perhaps these men would want to know how technology could benefit them.  The researcher could talk to this group about ways they could try to work with technology in inexpensive ways, since this audience would probably be concerned about finances.  This group would need to feel comfortable and relaxed to be open to these new ideas, so elements of humor may be an asset to the author.  Also, to pique interest in this somewhat foreign topic, some hands-on activities may also help the men to respond well to the spoken material. 

Lastly, the presenter needs to think about the purpose for his/her speech (Roman 20).  One book said, “You must think out clearly and put into words the objective which you hope to accomplish by the talk.  This can be one of the hardest, yet most rewarding steps in preparation.  Don’t be fuzzy about it” (Cook 17).  Authors need to keep in mind that they are not just speaking to a group, they want the group to feel motivated, but motivated for what? Brad Montgomery, a motivational speaker who primarily speaks with large businesses said, “You can’t just speak to motivate someone, because that will never work.  Keep in mind that you are motivating them for a reason.  Ask yourself, ‘What specifically do I want these people to take away from our time together?’”.   Trying to be too broad in purpose can lead to a disjointed and confusing speech.  Distinctively identifying a clear intent for a speech is necessary for success.

A definitive purpose was established in this case when the researcher chose to make a comparison -technology used by teens today compared to technology a few decades ago.  Then, the author could encourage use of this new technology and be prepared with inexpensive and easy way to do so.  Talking about trying new things and not being afraid to give technology a chance would be the main purpose of the speech.  Establishing this before even beginning to write is important so that the author can remained focused on the task at hand.  Too much variation straying away from this one idea can lead to chaos.  

Practice Makes Perfect

Once the researcher writes the speech, practice is, perhaps, the most important step.  Revising and editing the speech is always a good idea, though reading the speech aloud to make sure that ideas are clear is critical.  Memorizing a speech is a good idea so that speakers do not seem more interested in their notes than their audience.  Speakers should remember that the audience is the most important element to focus on during a presentation.  Marsha Egan, a fulltime motivational speaker said, “Remember that what you say is not as important as what the audience takes from what you say.  Keep it simple, but hammer it home”.  Reciting a speech in front of family members, friends, or a mirror is recommended for practice.  Also, if a speaker is relaxed when giving a presentation, the audience will be at ease, too. 

An important question to ask, however, is how does a speaker capture and hold an audience’s attention?  Of all communications, 75% is verbal and 25% is written.  Of this, 15% is retained, and 85% of what listeners remember comes from what they see with their eyes, not hear with their ears.  To give a good speech, one must override what one author calls “psychological earmuffs”.  Unconsciously, people develop ways to block out things deemed boring, trivial, or useless.  Speakers themselves have to first learn to listen and then find ways to make their speaking easy to listen to (Cook 5).  Knowing that distractions do occur, speakers have to be ready with a funny story or a thought-provoking question to counteract these instances. 

Once again, by considering these distractions ahead of time, when examining the author, audience, and purpose, many diversions can be avoided.  By remembering to motivate someone to believe in or do something, interest can be sparked. Continue, then, by identifying the benefits of this.  Audiences want to know what they will receive by doing what a speaker encourages them to do. Research suggests that talking about daily activities and personal experiences makes audiences feel comfortable and allows speakers to connect to groups emotionally. This, ultimately, helps the presenter to convince groups that ideas are realistic and important (McKinney).  Ideas should progress in an orderly and practical way. 

When writing a motivational speech, organization is not enough.  Having something interesting and worthwhile to say is essential.  One source said to “analyze the situation” (Roman and Tepper 19).  Topics should be aimed at a specific goal.  Speakers should decide to persuade, entertain, or inform, but not all three.  Audiences should not feel overwhelmed.  Locating facts and figures may be useful, but firsthand accounts will be more convincing and interesting.   Be upfront with the audience.  The speaker should tell groups what he/she is going to talk about, give them some background information, and tell them why this is important. 

 Having learned these three steps, the researcher has transformed into an author, and will soon turn into a speaker.  The speech to be presented to the men’s group will include a personal story about the author’s grandfather.  Also, there will be hands-on activities and audience involvement to engage the listeners.  The author plans to have pictures of technological devices for easy comparison, for example, an ipod next to a radio.  The author will continue to research suggestions for ways to try technology and will be sure to include benefits of doing so.  Once the speech is written and revisited and revised, practice will be key to a smooth presentation.  The author knows that the speech should be more a conversation than a performance.  After the speech is given, the audience will be asked to complete a brief survey for critiques and suggestions for the speaker, so that the researcher may continue to learn about preparing and presenting a successful motivational speech.

The researcher’s audience will, hopefully, have a positive opinion of motivational speakers after this presentation.  Society may feel that motivational speakers are fakes or phonies, but a lot of time and preparation goes into giving a good motivational speech.  If a presenter fails to consider the author, audience, or purpose, the speech will lack the conviction needed to catch and keep a group’s attention.  Regardless of how others see motivational speakers, most will undeniably remember words like:

“Happiness lies not in the mere possession of money, it lies in the joy of achievement, in the thrill of creative effort” (Montefiore 101), or

“For man holds in his mortal hands the power to abolish al forms o human poverty and all forms of human life” (Montefiore 142).  The line,

“Women need no protection that men do not need,” will not be forgotten (Montefiore161). 

Prominent figures such as Franklin D. Roosevelt, John F. Kennedy, and Shirley Chisem, respectively, knew that speaking to inspire others was no easy undertaking.  They were successful, and their words have lived for years after they were first spoken.

Works Cited

Cook, Glenn J. The Art of Making People Listen to You. West Nyack, NY: Parker Publishing Company, Inc., 1977.

Duckworth, George E. “Rhetoric.” Microsoft Encarta. CD-ROM.  Limited edition ed. Microsoft, 2001.

Egan, Marsha. Personal interview. 19 Sep 2008.

Howard, Vernon. Talking to an Audience. New York: Sterling Publishing Co., Inc., 1983.

McKinney, C. “Public Speaking Tips.  Public Speaking.  2007.  Advanced Public Speaking Institute.  <http://www.public-speaking.org/>.  02 Aug 2008.

Montefiore, Simon.  Speeches that Changed the World.  London:  Smith-Davies, 2005.

Montgomery, Brad.  Telephone interview.  25 Aug 2008.

Roman, Paul A. and Albert Tepper. The Oral Communicator: His Role and Function. Kansas City: Peterson and Son Publishing Co., Inc., 1989.

A couple of my favorite things to say to folks who point the cup to me include:
”Thanks! I’m cooling it off!”
”I know! I don’t really like coffee.”
“I’m trying to cut down on caffeine.”

But I gotta admit, I usually just wave back and act clueless. (This isn’t hard for me… I’ve had years of practice.

More Ideas

Here are a couple more ideas that can make it different:

• When you have a passenger in the car, don’t tell them about your cup. (Sneak the cup on the car just before you get in.) You’ll get a charge out of your passenger’s reaction to all of the attention. (“Why is everybody waving to us, Brad?”)
• This one usually costs you the magnet, but it is worth it: Sneak the cup onto a friend’s or spouse’s car before they leave. Just come up to say goodbye, rest your “cup” on the roof, and leave with out it. They never notice… trust me on this. Then when THEY get all of the attention - and eventually discover the cup - they’ll know you love ‘em!
• Use your imagination and “stick” other stuff to your car: Fast Food Bags (empty, you silly!), pizza boxes, etc.

You get the idea.. Go wild!

Warning: A couple of tips about the magnet itself- This baby is one SERIOUS magnet. It is the strongest one I’ve ever found. BE CAREFUL. Don’t mess with it. You can get hurt. It can pinch your skin faster than you can say, “Oh gosh that darned thing hurts!” Don’t let kids play with it. (My kid’s aren’t allowed near it.) This thing will zap your credit cards from a LONG distance; be careful. Keep it away from all electronics, your watch, etc. oI keep my magnet stuck to the ceiling of my car… it is safe there, out of the way, small enough that nobody notices it, and handy for my next coffee trip.
Speed: I’ve had the cup up on the car at speeds of 55 MPH. But to be safe, stay down in the 45 MPH range or slower. I do. Don’t chance losing it on the highway… you’ll end up hurting something… or worse… losing this precious magnet. : )

Please send me your stories, ideas and success at bradmontgomery.com! Brad Montgomery Productions is not liable for any injury, loss or damage, direct or consequential, arising out of the use or the misuse of this product. (Yes! That means this magnet is strong, baby!) © Copyright Brad Montgomery Productions 2006 www.BradMontgomery.com 303.691.0726 800.624.4280

See Also: security tag gags

This little bad boy is your ticket to joy! It’s a security tag used to prevent shoplifting. This one has been modified by removing the permanent pin and adding a special clip so that you can safely put it on — and take it off! — your clothes. Why? Because it’s funny!

How to Use it

There are two ways to execute the gag. My favorite way is to wear the tag myself. I love to put it on the back of my clothes — the back of my jacket, the back of my pants, or the back of my shirt. This method takes more patience but it is funnier because people will eventually see it and wonder if you actually are unaware of the tag. Some people will see it, be puzzled by it, and not say anything! When people point it out, I say something like, “Yeah, it’s new. How do you like my new jacket?” (Act serious and you’ll get a puzzled look that will keep you smiling for days.) Or you can say, “Yeah, I’m just trying it out before I buy it.”

But sometimes I just wear it on the front of my shirt or jacket and open a conversation saying, “How do ya like my new jacket?”

Another funny idea is to wear it inside your jacket, perhaps hanging off the inside jacket pocket. That way you can wear it privately. But when you are ready for some fun open your jacket to reveal the tag — as though you are sharing a secret with you victim — and then say something such as, “How do you like my jacket. I got a great deal on it. Yeah…. it was a STEAL!”

It’s also funny to sneak the tag on your friend’s clothing — again, it is best on the back of the clothing — and watch the reactions and comments directed towards your friend. Or, if you’re feeling especially frisky attach it to your friend’s clothes while you are inside a department store. Then watch the fireworks when you leave!

See Also: coffee cup on car gag

Things to Consider

Here are some things to consider before you leave that 9 to 5 job and segue into a professional speaking career:

1. Get real-world experience bfore you quit the employment ranks. People always want to know “how I got started” as a professional speaker. You don’t really j

ust “start.” I highly recommend you get some real-world training experience first. My first job in the training profession was as an employee with TRW Defense Systems. Understanding of the role of training vendors in a corporate setting is invaluable when you start approaching prospective clients, and you get paid while you learn. I then taught adjunct courses at the University of Colorado, which gave me skills in Instructional Design. You could teach a class at a Learning Annex, university extension center, or Free University in your area. Next, I presented seminars around the country for CareerTrack, Inc., which gave me a broad understanding of the meetings industry and gave me extensive platform time in front of real learners.

2. Get business training. I went to college and got my undergraduate and masters degrees in business. The biggest reason people fail when they break into the speaking business is they fail to understand it IS a business. It takes marketing, accounting, technology, customer relations, systems, public relations, and financial savvy to make it work. You have to know how to sell your services, relate to meeting planners and bureaus, back up your presentations with products and many other skills related to managing your company. You will not fail because you’re an excellent speaker; you will fail because you stink in business acumen. If nothing else, take some college business courses for no

3. Get a mentor and some guidance.
The National Speakers Association has local chapters around the country. Each chapter operates a bit differently, but most of them offer some type of “Apprenticeship” or “Fast Track” program for people who are seriously interested in moving into a professional speaking career. For example, in Denver, you can join the NSA/Colorado chapter as an Affiliate (not a professional member) and participate in the “Fast Track” program. Fast Trackers meet once a month, to help people ramp up quickly in the mandatory competencies of platform mechanics, professional awareness and relationships, topic development, and sales and marketing. Many chapters also offer a “Coaching” program, which will pair you with an already-experienced professional speaker to work one-on-one with you for a year. For information on a local NSA chapter in your area, visit http://www.nsaspeaker.org/search/chapter_directory.xpl.

4. Get a mastermind group.
It is incredible helpful to network with a group of people (even across the country) who are on the same journey you are. As you’re getting ramped up, you’ll want to exchange ideas with others who have the same aspirations. Having a mastermind group is like having a personal board of directors for your new company, to give you guidance and shorten your learning curve. An excellent resource is the Academy for Professional Speaking (www.academyforprofessionalspeaking.org), which is a community of experts who want to turn their passion and talent for public speaking into a successful career. The Academy accesses NSA’s vast universe of learning opportunities, friendship, participation and growth. Best of all, it offers you the support of other aspiring speakers and additional seminars and educational opportunities, its own newsletter, and a networking directory of other national members.

5. Get some platform time.
Let me dispel one myth of the professional speaking business. Some people may tell you to never speak for free, which I believe is absolutely ridiculous. When I first started speaking, I would talk to anyone, anytime, who would listen to me speak. I had a really nice collection of coffee mugs going from all the rotary groups I visited. There are many service clubs in your area that are in desperate need for a speaker each meeting. They can’t pay you, but the objectives in getting started in the business are to meet people and SPEAK. Alan Weiss says it beautifully in his book Money Talks (the bible of the industry), “You’re better off speaking for free in front of potential customers than you are not speaking at all in front of no one.” Pick up a copy of your local Business Journal and turn to the “Calendar” section. You will see a list of groups and contact names just waiting for you to speak. Most of these local meetings only require 30-60 minutes of your time, and you can arrange your work schedule accordingly. These programs will allow you to practice and hone your speech before you try to sell it.

6. Get some clients BEFORE you stop moonlighting.
I saw Guy Kawasaki (one of the masterminds behind Apple Computer) speak in LA a few years ago. He said one of the successes of Apple was that they allowed their potential customers to test drive their computers. In the speaking business, you are the product, and you should allow people to “test drive” you too. When they like you, they will eventually buy. When I first started out, I offered free “brown bag” luncheons to large corporate clients as a way to get my foot in the door. You don’t even have to quit your day job! Identify a company you’d like to work with, call the main number, ask for the person who handles employee training and development, call that person, introduce yourself, and ask, “Do you sometimes bring in outside training contractors to conduct onsite training seminars?” Be honest. Tell them you are “just starting out” in the business and are offering a complimentary one-hour brown bag seminar as a way to introduce yourself and your product. It’s a good idea to work up a little “one-sheet” on yourself first, so that you have a piece of promotional literature to send. Registering a business name and getting business cards printed up is a good idea while you “moon-light” in this fashion. After giving the presentation, I would ask for a testimonial letter in return to help you start your client list. Having these letters will be very helpful when you start asking for money. After they love you, they will want you back. Get enough of these…and bang…you have enough clientele to support you when you get started.

A little training, a little preparation, a little support…combined with your immense talent…and you, too, can be a professional speaker!

From 9 to 5 to Professional Speaker
by Laura Stack, MBA, CSP, The Productivity PRO®

Preparation

Research The research tip can be summed up in three simple words: KNOW YOUR STUFF! “Stuff” should be replaced by whatever is appropriate to the occasion. For instance, for an interview, know your resume. For a presentation before your colleagues and associates, know your material. For a keynote address before a national convention of stockholders, know your audience. The more research you do, the more you’ll know, and the more confident you’ll be and appear. Confidence is the key to any live performance because regardless of whether you know what you’re talking about, if you look like you do then the audience will be far more likely to believe you. Knowledge = Confidence in public speaking. You can alleviate the nerves elicited by doubting eyes if you know that you know what you’re talking about.

Composition

Regardless of whether you plan to use a script or notes during your presentation, it never hurts to write out what you are going to say (time allowing). There are many approaches to composing a speech. Many people prefer outlines, especially if they actually are going to use their notes during the speech. If time allows, try writing out the entire presentation, word for word, to practice with. This will allow you to gauge most accurately the length and dynamics of your speech. Come performance time, perhaps condense the script to an outline. It is always helpful to bold keywords and make them larger than the rest of the print on the page. That way, especially if you are relatively comfortable with only glancing at your outline from time to time, the most important points of your speech will jump off the page without you having to search for them. If you hope to perform without any written materials at all, it is most beneficial to write out the entire speech for purposes of memorization. The content of your speeches will likely vary, but there should always be a constant: entertainment value. The better you know your stuff, the easier it will be to find a humorous connection to the content that you can share with your audience. Don’t overdue the comedy, though, because, above all, you’re still there to do your job.

Practice the Material

Practice Public speaking, like most things, requires an often inconvenient amount of practice. Even professional speakers with a single act will review their materials regularly to keep it fresh and dynamic. For the novice business speaker, a few hours of practice can make a world of difference in terms of impressing your boss or colleagues. If trying to memorize your speech, read it in its entirety a few times, then tackle it section by section. By breaking up the speech while practicing, you will better remember the order of the speech and the natural organization of its content. Furthermore, by having the speech subdivided in your mind, you can easily adapt to time constraints by shortening or eliminating certain sections. Once you are familiar enough with your content to start practicing aloud, there are three excellent options for a practice ‘audience.’ A live audience, such as friends and family, will allow you to gauge a real life response to your words, especially if you are incorporating comedy or emotion into your speech. Try performing for someone you trust to give you constructive, honest criticism.

Be Your Own Audience

Next, try videotaping yourself. A live audience is helpful, but you likely know more about the content than your spouse or best friend. Watching the video will allow to hear your words out of your own mouth (some things that read extremely well don’t sound nearly as good out loud!). Furthermore, you will be able to notice whether you have any distracting physical habits, like playing with your hands or swaying/rocking while you speak. If you do not have a video camera, your third option is the good old bathroom mirror. If you have a head-to-toe mirror, all the better. The premise here is the same, except that you have to try and watch yourself and notice mistakes while you are speaking at the same time. Remember, too, that the more familiar you are with your speech, the more confident you’ll be, so even if you have little time to perform aloud, reviewing your speech mentally before bed or with your morning coffee can greatly help. Performance Appearance It goes without saying (but I’ll say it anyway) that you should always dress appropriately for the occasion of your presentation. What you are wearing, though, is only one-half of your performance appearance. Posture and stature are key, especially if you are trying to make a good first impression, and your attitude and confidence (or more often, lack thereof) are very explicit in the way you carry yourself. Also, convey your excitement and happiness about what you are doing through the way you move around the room. The more dynamic your appearance, the more dynamic your words.

Appearance

NEVER EVER be late. The larger the audience, the greater damage even a few minutes of waiting can do. If you are being introduced, try to chat briefly with whoever is introducing you beforehand so that you can enter the stage/presentation area crisply and promptly. Pacing Both the speed of delivery and the actual physical movement: Most people, even the most seasoned public performers, are at least a little nervous when presenting live, especially before a sizable audience. When people get nervous, their natural tendency is to rush everything: words, movements, etc. The most effective remedy is to do exactly the opposite: slow down and be deliberate. Because you are nervous, what seems like a crawl will actually be a very suitable speaking tempo and will sound normal to the audience. If you can get over the first few minutes of a butterfly-filled stomach, the rest of your speech will run smoothly. This is a key area to practice because rushing a speech can truly ruin it, regardless of whatyou say. If you are incorporating humor, pacing is especially important because many jokes rely on good comedic timing. Once again, PRACTICE PRACTICE PRACTICE! In terms of movement, typically less is more. Actually pacing back and forth across the stage is absolutely out of the question. It is a nervous habit that many resort to when they are completely overwhelmed by the situation, but it looks tacky and unprofessional. Use your body to emphasize major points, perhaps walk a few steps at points of transition, and be sure to position your body so that you can address the entire audience. Any more movement will only distract the audience and detract from what you are saying. Eye Contact Maintaining eye contact with your audience is key to a persuasive performance. One of your top priorities during the speech is to make the audience feel like you are having a conversation with them, not just talking at them. Using your eyes effectively can help you connect with each and every member of the audience. There are two main approaches: First, for the more nervous speaker, simply scan the audience with your eyes, never really focusing in any one place. Second, for the more comfortable speaker, scan at intervals and then settle on a group of people for a few seconds. Direct eye contact is extremely helpful in augmenting your charisma and connecting with the audience. After those few seconds, scan again and refocus on another group of people. The more people you connect with directly, the more people you will affect with your speech.

Articulate

Speaking Skills Independent of content, there are two extremely important aspects of your speech: articulation and fluency. Both are crucial to ensure your audience understands what you are saying. Additionally, both will help you avoid rushing and fumbling over your words. Articulation is an easy concept to understand but, surprisingly often, difficult to practice. Alliteration is one of many useful rhetorical devices that causes a milieu of problems for speakers, so be wary of its overuse and be sure to practice such sections particularly attentively. Fluency requires a great deal more practice. A multitude of awkward pauses and filler ‘words’ like “um,” “uh,” “like,” and “you know” can destroy a speech. A great way to improve fluency is to pick some random topic like “What’s your favorite movie and why?”, talk into a tape recorder as long as you can (at a nice, easy pace), and then listen to the recording. Count how many fillers you used and then try again with another topic. Before your actual performance, try reading something you’ve never looked at before out loud, making sure you pronounce every word correctly and enunciate as best you can. Then try reading it again, a bit faster, still being wary of any fluency breaks. Do this with a few different pieces of writing (just pick up a newspaper or something) and you should be nice and warmed-up for your performance.

End on a Good Note

Finishing Touches Most public speaking is about the little things, i.e. everyone’s actual speech is good so it’s the other stuff that distinguishes you from the rest. Look like you’re enjoying yourself, never hesitate to throw in some smiles!!! (It’s amazing how far a manifestation of happiness can go when addressing a room full of tired, dehydrated business people who would all rather be at the bar at this point) Just to reiterate, the more excited and engaged you are about what you’re saying, the more response you’ll garner from the audience, and that, of course, is the whole point. SUMMARY Public speaking is an acquired skill, one that may require a ton of practice depending on the person. Start small, and use any and all opportunities to put your abilities to use. Whether a small office conference or the national company convention, it is always important to impress your colleagues with a well planned and executed presentation. Do your research, practice tirelessly, and control your nerves. If you can connect effectively with your audience and excite them about your subject-matter, you might just get that promotion or reputation that you’ve long been working for. Good luck and speak well!

Copyright 2005 by Brad Montgomery. May be reprinted with permission. Brad Montgomery, CSP (Certified Speaking Professional) is a funny motivational speaker and corporate entertainer. Using his own blend of Hilarious humor as well as his Award-Winning magic, Brad reminds us that our lives are both fun and very funny. You can reach Brad at www.bradmontgomery.com

Presentation Tips for Business Speakers
By: Brad Montgomery

8 Tips to Get the Most Out of Your Speaker

Once you’ve selected that perfect speaker, follow up with these eight tips for getting the most out of your investment:

1. Send your speaker lots of information about your meeting

Send your speaker lots of information about your organization and upcoming meeting.

Most professional speakers today provide pre-program questionnaires for you to complete. And while completing a lengthy questionnaire might seem like one more hassle in your day, it will pay off in a highly relevant presentation, tailored to your program’s needs. The more information you provide, the better. Your prospective speaker can always “edit down,” but he or she can’t ever “edit up”!

2. Partner with your speaker for the best results

The best professional speakers work closely with meeting planners to create an impactful presentation. A busy professional speaker addresses more than 100 audiences each year and is, therefore, a gold mine of ideas for meetings. So be flexible — explain what you have in mind, but also ask your speaker for his or her input. For example, I am a high-energy speaker who likes to move around — and into — the audience as much as possible. I appreciate it when I can work with the meeting planner and/or event coordinator to make that possible. Of course, if I’m asked to stand behind a lectern, I will do so. But rarely would that situation be as effective as one in which I had the freedom to move around (and the audio system to accommodate that).

3. Make sure your speaker receives a good introduction

Since the introduction creates credibility for the speaker and sets the tone for his or her entire presentation, presenting a good one is vital. A prepared introduction is always better than one that is off the cuff. When speaking, I always use a carefully designed introduction and ask the introducer not to interject things like, “Hey, I didn’t write this — I’m just reading it!” (And, by the way, introducers who think they are comedians are the kiss of death!) Obviously, you would hate to spend lots of time and money on a good speaker only to have his or her presentation diluted by a bad introduction.

4. Make sure the speaker can do a room check

Make sure the speaker has the opportunity to do a pre-meeting room check

I know few professional speakers who actually rehearse, or go through their entire presentation without an audience, simply because it is a poor use of the professional’s time and energy. However, speakers should always arrive in time to do a sound check, meet and work with the introducer, and deal with staging logistics. Trying to accomplish these things at the last minute only invites disaster.

5. Provide a good room layout

Even the best speaker can be handicapped by a poor room layout. Some of the most common layout problems include:

a. Chairs placed too closely together, causing audience discomfort.
b. The first row placed too far from the stage. I’ve found ten feet to be the maximum tolerable distance — anything farther creates an invisible barrier between the speaker and audience.
c. The center row is too wide. This problem creates two different audiences that the speaker must work, one on the left and one on the right. Six to eight feet is the right amount of space.
d. Poor lighting. Your speaker must be seen to be heard. Bad stage lighting can kill a presentation.

6. Introduce the speaker to key organization leaders

Unless your speaker is a celebrity, few people other than you will recognize him or her upon arrival. Therefore, give your speaker the opportunity to meet key corporate or association leaders. If a sponsor is involved, be sure to introduce them so that your speaker has an opportunity to say thank you. Meeting and talking to key people in advance gives a speaker the opportunity to reference those conversations and to reinforce points that are important to your organization’s leadership.

7. Host the speaker at pre-presentation events

If you would like your speaker to attend a reception before the meeting, keep in mind that his or her ability to do so depends on travel schedule, as well as a need for some pre-presentation rest. Also, be sure that someone is assigned to be the speaker’s host; i.e., to be responsible for introducing him or her to others. It is difficult for a speaker who is unfamiliar with a group to “cold call” people and make self introductions. Even the most gregarious of us do better at such events when hosted.

8. Make sure your speaker has a “good room at the inn”

Reserve a room for your speaker at the site of the presentation. If the site is a convention center, try to use a hotel close by. One of a speaker’s greatest sources of stress is having to factor in travel arrangements and time between a hotel and a presentation site that are miles apart. Also, don’t wait until the last minute to reserve a room, as primary hotels often sell out quickly. Try to honor the speaker’s room request. For example, I always ask for, but do not demand, a non-smoking room with a king-size bed on the concierge level. Why? Because spending 180 nights a year in hotels is draining! My commitment, as is the commitment of most speakers, is to be as energized and “up” as possible for every client. So I try to create a restful hotel experience for myself. I sleep in a king-size bed at home and try to match my hotel experience with that. Also, the concierge level often offers amenities that save my clients money, like a continental breakfast and assistance from hotel staff in troubleshooting problems or fulfilling special requests. It is a simple task to request a speaker’s room preference. And you might want to explain that a good experience for your speaker will result in great PR for the hotel.

Although these eight steps might seem like minor considerations in your preparation for a speaker’s presentation, let me assure you that they are important to the success of your meeting. If you pay attention to these easy-to-accomplish details, you’re guaranteed to get the most from your investment in a speaker!

by Mark Sanborn, CSP, CPAE

Mark Sanborn, CSP, CPAE is a professional speaker published in the areas of leadership, change management, customer service and teamwork. He works with business organizations who want to reach the next level of success and individuals who want to perform at their best. You can email him at Mark@MarkSanborn.com, phone him at (800) 650-3343 or visit his Web site at http://www.marksanborn.com.

A disregard for time | Unclear purpose | Inadequate preparation | Failure to capture attention | Pomposity | Boredom | False endings

Increasingly leaders are realizing their need for skills development that falls outside of what is typically offered by their organizations. That is one reason why executive coaching has become so popular. Often one of the primary areas coaches focus on is communication, both interpersonal and public.

As a professional who makes his living giving speeches and seminars, I’ve sat through hundreds if not thousands of executive presentations. More often than not, the speeches I’ve heard businesspeople make were less than memorable.

And far too often the presentations were painful, not only for the speaker to give, but for the audience to feign interest through.

The majority of executive presenters, even those who flopped dramatically, were well-intentioned. Nobody sets out to destroy her credibility with a bad presentation. So why do people fail in spite of noble intentions?

Intention requires technique to be successfully communicated. It doesn’t matter how well you want to hit the golf ball. Only good form and practiced skill allow you to consistently do so. Public speaking is no different.

I am puzzled why so many seem to think that speaking well in front of an audience is a natural skill. Public speaking, like all skills, is developed. The more often one speaks, the better one becomes if–and this is a big if–he focuses on eliminating undesirable behaviors and developing needed ones.

7 Flops

The fastest gain that can made in improving your ability to speak well is to eliminate those things that cause disaster. While I’ve observed great creativity in flopping, there are seven common reasons why executive speakers fail. I’ll explain those reasons and what to do about them.

1. A disregard for time

History has no record of anyone who gave a speech that was too short, but we’ve all been in audiences when the speaker stopped speaking on what seemed like a different day than he had begun.

This problem–speaking too long or taking more time than allotted–seems to be epidemic among high level business leaders. Most meeting planners value their job too much to be candid with an executive and tell him that he completely destroyed the agenda by speaking for an hour when he was scheduled to speak for 15 minutes. And no employee is going to complain to the executive’s face about talking way too long.

Being self-employed allows me the luxury of being totally honest: speaking longer than planned is rude. It suggests to the audience that the speaker and her presentation are more important than anyone or anything else on the program. The length of a presentation shouldn’t be a function of title or power, but a function of how long the exec agreed to talk. If you say you need ten minutes, quit after 10 minutes. If you need more time, negotiate for it in advance. But don’t take the next three speakers’ time because you either don’t pay attention to your watch or you are too arrogant to realize that the high point of the meeting just might not be listening to you speak twice as long as expected.

Start on time and stop on time. Not only will your audience respect you for it, but it will prove that you respect your audience.

2. Unclear purpose

Here’s the million dollar question of any presentation: what’s the point?

Executives who don’t have clear objectives for their presentation usually achieve little.

Heaven help you if your objective is “to inform.” Duh? Every speech informs, whether by design or by default. Attempting only to inform is aiming too low. Why not use the opportunity to motive, inspire or encourage? Why not take

advantage of your chance to share a vision or create camaraderie?

Design your speech the way the pros do. Begin by asking, “At the end of this presentation, what do I want listeners to think, feel and do? Good presenters speak to the head, the heart and the hands. Challenging people with lot of information of limited practical application is more frustrating that inspiring.

If you can’t clearly identify a worthwhile purpose for the presentation, you probably shouldn’t be making it.

And it doesn’t hurt to begin with an overt statement of purpose: “The reason I’m speaking to you today is…” It may not be clever, but it will significantly increase that odds that you’ll fulfill your purpose if you enlist the audience early on.

What about speeches that someone else writes for you? It is critically important that a speech writer have access to you and your ideas. Even the best speech writer isn’t clairvoyant. Your speech will only be written as well as the input you provide. This is not the time for “hands-off” delegation.

3. Inadequate Preparation

There is no excuse for “winging it.” The best speakers are always–and I mean it literally–prepared for what they say, even if their demeanor suggests otherwise.

That brilliant toe-in-the-sand presenter you heard that came up with the wonderful analogy and spectacular quotes “on the spot” really didn’t. She planned carefully not only what they were going to say, but how they would appear “off the cuff.”

Here’s how to tell if a speaker hasn’t prepared: he doesn’t say anything important. To make best use of your time and the audience’s time, think through and practice what you’ll say.

If you saw a Broadway show where none of the actors had practiced in advance, you would demand your money back.

Too bad audiences don’t get the same privilege.

And please don’t ever beginning by saying, “I really haven’t thought about what I’m going to say…” There are no bragging rights to that. If you ever find yourself tempted make that statement, at least be honest and say, “I’m a goober and I’m going to waste your time.”

Henri Nouwen, the Catholic mystic of the late twentieth, was once frustrated as he prepared for an important speech. His insight? Live prepared, rather than simply trying to prepare. Maybe this is what Tom Peters was alluding to when he instructed managers to have a “stump speech” with the same three or four most important messages ready to give and give again at every opportunity.

4. Failure to capture attention

The scarcest resource in the world used to be time; today it is attention.

The average listener is bombarded with messages from many different sources. From email to radio to voicemail to cell phones, everybody is trying to tell us something, and your attempt to give a speech is just one more bombardment

That’s why what you say and how you say it had better grab the audience’s attention right out of the shoot. You don’t have time to “warm up.” (”Thank you for inviting me to be here today. It is indeed my pleasure to address you. What a great meeting it has been so far. Blah blah blah blah blah.”)

As my friend and high-powered speech coach Ron Arden says, “In the theater, you’ll never see an actor warm-up on the audience. They warm-up backstage.”

So forget the hackneyed concept of warming up the audience. Hit them square between the eyes with something that will break their preoccupation with what they need to pick up at the grocery store on the way home from work.

Most importantly, make your remarks relevant. Post moderns are less interested with the question “Is it true?” and more interested in the question “How does it affect me?” Sure, you need to be intellectually honest to prove your points, but never forget to prove that your message matters to the listener.

5. Pomposity

Ego-driven leaders are more concerned with what followers think about them than they are with what followers do because of them.

But you don’t necessarily have to be arrogant to be pompous. Sometimes it happens accidentally when a speaker confuses impressing a listener with influencing her.

Impressing people is, for the most part, a head-game: it changes what they think of us. Influencing people is a behavioral game: it changes what people do because of us.

A preoccupation with self is deadly. Self-absorbed speakers present to get their needs met, rather than meet the needs of the audience. The audience instantly recognizes it.

One of the best kept secrets in speaking is this: the audience wants you to do well. Everyone knows how painful it is to watch a speaker bomb in front of others, so instinctively, the audience is pulling for you. And they’ll cut you a lot of slack–allow for mispronunciations and other mistakes–if you are sincerely interested in them.

If you speak down to them or try to blatantly impress them, they’ ll turn on you like a pack of rabid dogs. It won’t be as obvious as the rabid dogs, but beyond their polite or at least neutral nonverbals, they’ll be mentally dismantling you for being a pompous ass.

You wouldn’t be asked to speak unless someone believed that you have credibility, and something to say. That is enough. Don’t undo that assumption through efforts to prove your status to others.

6. Boredom

“Isn’t life a thousand times too short to bore ourselves?” That wasn’t uttered by a tired audience member, but it could have been. Helen Keller said it.

An audience today contains many people who were raised on MTV. That means they spent formative years watching music videos that often contained 150 images in the course of a minute. Watching a talking head is, for them, about as stimulating as watching software load.

Nobody ever flops who entertains. Don’t get me wrong: to be simply entertaining is not in itself a worthwhile goal for an executive presenter, but is sure beats the alternative, which is to be boring. Sell the sizzle and the steak.

Great restaurants know that the presentation of cuisine is as important as its’ preparation. Presentation and perception go hand-in-hand.

“Amusement” comes from two words meaning “not to ponder.” “Entertainment”, on the other hand, is engaging. The value of entertainment for a speaker is that it mentally engages listeners. I’ve found the best way to educate is to slip good ideas in on the wings of entertainment.

And by the way, telling a joke is risky. When it works, it works well. When it fails, nothing fails worse. The best way to avoid groaners is to use humor in such a way that it illustrates your point. If the audience doesn’t laugh, the illustration is still of value. And if they get a chuckle out of the humor, that’s just icing on the cake.

7. False Endings

Remember this variation of a familiar acronym: FEAR is False Endings Appearing Real.

I’ve seen it a hundred times. A speaker starts to conclude, even tells the audience of his intent, and then tells a pithy, witty story. The audience responds favorably. The speaker gets a rush. “Wow, they liked that. I’ve got an even better story,” he thinks to himself. And then he ends again, with another story/quote/challenge/admonition/etc. Like a junkie who has just had a good fix, the speaker keeps ending, until there is no positive response, but rather visible signs of disgust. By then, it is too late.

You can only effectively conclude once, yet I’ve seen executives conclude over and over. Each false ending weakens the message that was in front of it.

The false ending nightmare usually begins with these words, “In conclusion….” That triggers hope in the audience’s mind. “Hey, it’s almost over!” They expect you to wrap up quickly.

In my mind that means either summarizing or making a final point. Several points, or the introduction of new points, is not a conclusion.

A simple rule to remember: a good ending happens only once.

The beginning of excellence is the elimination of foolishness. You can bump up your speaking performance by analyzing your last presentation by asking these seven questions:
Did I stick to my allotted time?
Did I develop and present purposefully?
Was I thoroughly prepared?
Did I capture attention at the very beginning?
Did I positively influence listeners?
Was I appropriately entertaining, or at least not boring?
Did I end only once?

An affirmative answer to each of those questions virtually guarantees that the next time you make a presentation, you won’t be a flop. Not only will you be flop-proof, most likely you’ll be perceived as an articulate and effective speaker.

by Mark Sanborn, CSP, CPAE

Mark Sanborn, CSP, CPAE is a professional speaker published in the areas of leadership, change management, customer service and teamwork. He works with business organizations who want to reach the next level of success and individuals who want to perform at their best. You can email him at Mark@MarkSanborn.com, phone him at (800) 650-3343 or visit his Web site at http://www.marksanborn.com.